The Phone*

When I got to work today--much later than I wanted due to a loooong wait at the dentist's and much more stressed out than I'd have liked because I had to prepare a handout for an afternoon meeting--I saw the message light blinking on my phone. I thought about ignoring the messages until after I did all the prep for the meeting. But, I didn't. Mistake #1.

One message was meant for someone else. Two of the messages were from a library patron asking me to call back. Two messages from the same person, left within 30 minutes of each other. (Note to self: From now on, avoid unknown people who leave more than 1 voicemail message per hour.) I thought about not returning the call until after I did all the prep for the meeting. But, I didn't. Mistake #2.

I just don't like talking on the phone. Period. I do it because sometimes it's the only or best way to communicate with someone, but I much prefer email or talking face-to-face. I don't even like chatting with friends and family on the phone, let alone work phoneplay.

Anyway, I called the patron back...and after that was all over, I considered assuming the fetal position on the floor under the desk in my cubicle. But, I didn't. Probably Mistake #3.

This patron, I'll call the patron "Pat," had a complaint/suggestion related to something I do now. Pat had been referred to me, because I was the one "who knows about this."

Okay, no problem so far. I prompt Pat with an "uh-huh" or "mm-hmm" to tell me more.

Pat continues and brings up an issue that I am already familiar with, know needs to be addressed, and think I can provide a short-term solution for in the interim. Pat's description of the problem goes into great detail about Pat's life, includes many self-deprecating remarks about Pat's lack of computer skills, comments about how I need to train "my people" to do such-and-such (believe me--I have no "people"), and lasts for, oh, approximately 6 million years. (Alright, maybe it was 5 minutes.)

Still, okay. I attempt to summarize what I think I've heard Pat say. "After listening to you, what I'm hearing is that you would like such-and-such instead of this-and-that, right?" As though I haven't spoken at all, the entire story is repeated with extra details.

It's starting to get to me now. This time I say, "I think you're right. I agree with you and think what you want is a great idea and think others want the same thing." (And, I do. Really. It was a good idea.) As though I haven't spoken at all, the entire story is repeated once again.

I break in early this time and try to sum up and agree. "What I'm hearing that you'd like is such-and-such. That is a great idea! I agree with you completely...." Pat breaks in on me and starts the whole story over again.

At this point I wanted to say, "Pat, I swear to god I'm more convinced than you are that this is the right thing to do. What do I have to promise you to get you to hang up? I think I've gone through menopause while we've been on the phone." But, instead I said, "Would you like me to describe how I'd find that information?" Mistake #4.

Pat says, "Yeah. Tell me."
I say, "Are you in front of the computer?"
"No, but I want to hear how you'd do it."
Well, I don't think this will work without Pat in front of the computer, but whatever.

So, I try to describe how to use a roundabout but reasonable way to find what Pat wanted. When I'm done, I'm told how convoluted that was and how "my people" (There's those "people" again! Where are "my people" when I have chores to do around the house?! or need someone to return phone calls!) don't know that. And then, to top it all off, the whole story begins AGAIN!

I can't take anymore. I break in and say, "Do I think what you want is a good idea? Yes. Can I make that happen in the next 5 minutes? No." (Especially not while I'm on the phone with YOU, Pat!)

Finally, Pat gets the message--or is simply, finally talked out--and ends the call.

I consider crying and the fetal position, but instead I get a mini-cupcake from my co-worker's birthday celebration and finish my meeting handout.

I'm never answering the phone again.



*Did you ever notice most of the episodes of "The Waltons" had titles like "The Homecoming" or "The Visitor"? Just "The" plus another word. That is my inspiration for this post's title. (The show titles were always prominently displayed, too, not like many TV shows now. But, I digress.)