On the Ninth Day of Christmas ... I put my fingers in my ears and closed my eyes really tight

I just saw a news item talking about 30 billion dollars' worth of unused gift cards floating around, presumably after having been given as gifts. As Jerry Seinfeld once said, a gift certificate is "an I-don't-give-a-damn diploma". If you know someone so poorly, or care so little about them, that you can't find them anything, that says to me that this person should not be on your Christmas list. If the person is just really hard to buy for, then I think it's his responsibility to present gift options, sort of like a bridal registry. If he can't think of anything, then he's just waived his claim on a present.

In our family, after years of mutually-agonizing attempts to Christmas shop among four hard-to-buy-for people, I finally talked the rest of them into doing away with the whole gift thing. The others were skeptical, but eventually admitted it was a good idea.

I don't understand why more people don't do this. I keep seeing all this commentary about how stressful and expensive Christmas is... people going thousands of dollars into debt... people having nervous breakdowns... people getting in steak-knife fights over their Christmas dinner because Uncle Dave and Cousin Alice can't stand each others' politics, spousal choices, religions, or favorite sports teams... and every year I wonder WHY THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS TO YOURSELVES???

Spent too much on Christmas last year? No problem! Send out a blanket email to everyone, stating "I'm not doing Christmas this year. Don't get me anything, I won't get you anything." If anyone is stubborn enough to get you a present anyway, give it to the poor.

Family gatherings too stressful? Don't go! The effort of making your advance apologies to everyone will be a lot less than the effort of patching up the hostility resulting from the annual arguments.

Too much work to decorate and cook and shop and groom and otherwise do the whole "Martha Stewart on amphetamines" thing? Don't! Like Nancy Reagan used to say about drugs -- JUST SAY NO!

For Christians, recall that the magi brought gifts for Jesus... NOT for Joseph, Mary, the innkeeper, each other, the local Roman garrison, the census staff, the people in Bethlehem to be counted in the census, and the various animals in the manger. Just for Jesus -- and that was, obviously, something of a special case. If you know anyone who might be the second coming of the Savior, feel free to get him a gift.

For non-Christians, this isn't even your holiday. Enjoy your free days off work, or the Christmas snacks people bring in to work, and don't get involved otherwise. That's what I do, and my many Christian friends don't seem upset about it.

Stop tormenting yourselves and others, stop sending billions of dollars into the pockets of the foreign corporations that make your lead-coated Christmas purchases, and stop driving us sensible people nutty with your chaos.